Okay so maybe I can't do this alone.
I have just eaten/ binged on an Indian takeaway that could have fed a whole family; chicken tikka, chicken tikka masala, chicken korma, sagaloo, rice and naan, followed by a massive portion of homemade trifle and can't remember the last time I wanted to do 'it' so badly.
I'm sweating, shaking, feel sick, have a weird, horrible taste in my mouth- I think going cold turkey is literally making me more ill than the bulimia.
I guess I'm proud of myself for hitting the one week milestone but at the same time I feel so weak, if I was strong I could carry on and hide it better.
I was so close to doing it that I told Jack. I'm not even 100% sure why, or what I was hoping he would say but I haven't gone through with it so maybe it's a good thing I did.
Throwing up sucks.
If I was going to have an eating disorder, why can't I have a good one? If I was anorexic, at least I'd look how I wanted! I just torture myself for no results, and although I know I'm probably never going to get any results, ever, I just can't bring myself to give it up.
It's not fair, it's MY thing, the only little thing I have that's my own and now everyone wants to meddle in.
Apart from my mum that is.
Seen Super-Mum (who, surprise surprise has a new boyfriend, we'll see how long it takes this one to start beating her), for the first time since she found out about me and she made it all about her. I don't know why I'm surprised, should have expected it would become another reason for her to drink herself into oblivion, use me as an excuse, it's what she does with everything but this time I was just hoping I would be more important than her self pity.
My 14 year old brother, Millan, has taken it hard though; he sat and cried to me, telling me he just wishes he'd noticed and have done something to help me. He remembered all the times he had called me fat in an argument and was hugging me telling me he was really sorry and never meant any of it. This was the first reaction out of everybody that knows that actually made me feel so ashamed and guilty, I love my brothers more than anything and can't believe I've made him feel like this is his fault. It's not his fault, it's not even my mum's fault, it's my big fat selves fault.
But on a more positive note I'm at Jack's families house for a few days, it's nice to disappear from all the shit from home every once in a while, I can get away! Until my doctors appointment Thursday that is, where I have to go through it all again...
Yay...
I have just eaten/ binged on an Indian takeaway that could have fed a whole family; chicken tikka, chicken tikka masala, chicken korma, sagaloo, rice and naan, followed by a massive portion of homemade trifle and can't remember the last time I wanted to do 'it' so badly.
I'm sweating, shaking, feel sick, have a weird, horrible taste in my mouth- I think going cold turkey is literally making me more ill than the bulimia.
I guess I'm proud of myself for hitting the one week milestone but at the same time I feel so weak, if I was strong I could carry on and hide it better.
I was so close to doing it that I told Jack. I'm not even 100% sure why, or what I was hoping he would say but I haven't gone through with it so maybe it's a good thing I did.
Throwing up sucks.
If I was going to have an eating disorder, why can't I have a good one? If I was anorexic, at least I'd look how I wanted! I just torture myself for no results, and although I know I'm probably never going to get any results, ever, I just can't bring myself to give it up.
It's not fair, it's MY thing, the only little thing I have that's my own and now everyone wants to meddle in.
Apart from my mum that is.
Seen Super-Mum (who, surprise surprise has a new boyfriend, we'll see how long it takes this one to start beating her), for the first time since she found out about me and she made it all about her. I don't know why I'm surprised, should have expected it would become another reason for her to drink herself into oblivion, use me as an excuse, it's what she does with everything but this time I was just hoping I would be more important than her self pity.
My 14 year old brother, Millan, has taken it hard though; he sat and cried to me, telling me he just wishes he'd noticed and have done something to help me. He remembered all the times he had called me fat in an argument and was hugging me telling me he was really sorry and never meant any of it. This was the first reaction out of everybody that knows that actually made me feel so ashamed and guilty, I love my brothers more than anything and can't believe I've made him feel like this is his fault. It's not his fault, it's not even my mum's fault, it's my big fat selves fault.
But on a more positive note I'm at Jack's families house for a few days, it's nice to disappear from all the shit from home every once in a while, I can get away! Until my doctors appointment Thursday that is, where I have to go through it all again...
Yay...
Hi there. I came across your blog through ED Bites and was...expecting something different.
ReplyDeleteAs a recovered Type II anorexic, there is no "good" eating disorder. I've heard this so many times...there are very few clinically anorexic people who think they look the way they want to. I know I only ever looked "fat" or extremely weird regardless of what the facts of the scale said.
I "looked" anorexic but I spent hours of my day binging and purging on 10s of thousands of calories. Therefore, perhaps I had the look you think you want but I was never "good anorexic". There is no good ED, they are all hell.
I cut myself and it wasn't "brave"...I have friends who burned themselves similarly to how you described and I rarely went that route.
I encourage you to take absolutely any help you can get and really throw yourself into it and work hard because life without this is possible and far more beautiful than you can even imagine when you've never seen it. I've been to hell, through, and out the other side and I konw what's possible....and it just keeps getting better.
Please get help. There is no winning with and ED and there is a marvelous life waiting for you, I don't even need to know anything about you to know that...