Something finally worth celebrating!

Yes! It has been a whole month since I last made myself sick. A whole month and I haven't even been given an appointment at the eating disorder clinic yet!
I'm doing well if I do say so myself :)

Breakdown

Wow.
Just when I think I'm doing well and am maybe getting over this disorder, I get in such a mess that I almost purge in front of my boyfriend.
It was a school disco themed night at university and me and my friends went with Jack and his friends. It was actually such a great night but then as usual I may have had one too many drinks...
It wasn't entirely my fault. Leaving the club a young guy fell and cracked his head off the pavement, knocking him out and making him bleed from his ear.
Immediately I was taken back to just over a year ago, when my mum got drunk again, but this time instead of finding her sleeping sprawled across the kitchen table or hanging off the end of the couch, I found her snoring at the bottom of the stairs.
Fed up, I began shaking her to wake her up, and got angry at her for being so wasted again, thats when I noticed the blood pouring down my arm from her ear.
Phoning the ambulance, I have never been more scared in my life, I thought that was it, I'd lost my mum.
To cut a long story short she had fallen down the stairs, but survived with a fractured skull and perforated eardrum; she is now deaf in one ear although has been told she was lucky that's the only long term damage she suffered since usually when people fracture the part of the skull she did  (between the ear and brain) they are either paralysed down one side, or die.
So seeing this guy bleeding out of his ear on the floor just made it all flood back, and I was alone since a drunken Jack had wandered off.
When he came back and found me we had the biggest argument we've had so far, and embarrassingly in the street.
I don't even know why, I think I was just a bit all over the place and I like having someone to blame.
When we got back to my house I was so worked up I just had to do 'it'.
I went to the bathroom but Jack followed me in and, crying, told me if I was going to do it I would have to do it in front of him.
It was one of the most emotional moments of my life, I had no idea what to do.
I even got as far as kneeling in front of the toilet and lifting the lid before breaking down.
I couldn't do it.
I can't believe I nearly did.
God I'm not as fixed as I thought.

Back to Earth

My Paris bubble has officially burst and I am back home and at university. It's been three weeks and I'm still going strong so far but now I'm back here I'm worried I'm going to slip into the old routines, being able to binge and purge and nobody ever suspecting a thing and not having to try so hard to hide it- throwing up can easily be disguised as a hangover to students!
It's been such a battle and I can't stop thinking about it.
Jack's been round my flat every night even when we've not spent the day together, he says it's because he's not used to being alone at night after being constantly together in Paris and a bit before that, but I think he wants to sort of get in the way of me doing it.
I could get annoyed but I'm not, I love the fact he's being so sweet and good God I love spooning at bedtime!
Freshers week is rubbish this year, after the hospital incident which led to the outing of my eating disorder and this blog, I was told by the doctors not to drink and I've realised I don't like the person I am with alcohol anyway. But it's just so boring without it! The only thing that can make dubstep sound bearable is a lot of shots, and even then it's enough to make me just purge right in the middle of the dance floor anyway! I feel so old, what happened to party Charli??
I guess change can be good sometimes?...

Je suis grande!

So what better way to celebrate my two week achievement than visit the most beautiful city in the world! And what better way to make it all seem totally not worthwhile than putting on your favourite dress ready to scale the Eiffel Tower and finding it no longer fits. Not even close.
I had Jack trying his best to force the zip but it just wouldn't budge, but determined me was going to get into it. Lets just say after a LOT of struggling, tears and even blood on beautiful cream dress, I still ended up in a heap on the floor in my underwear.
Since when does not purging make you so fat? I wasn't expecting massive effects straight away, God I feel terrible.
But the main part of the story- I still didn't do 'it'! Even I'm surprised that didn't push me to.
Once I'd recovered from the dress trauma and put on another (fitting) one, we headed out of the hotel for the start of our 5 day 'tour de France' (without the bikes of course, just amazing buildings and food).
Paris is most definitely amazing.
I've just now returned from my second day and have already climbed the Eiffel Tower, wandered around Notre Dame, played piano in the oldest hospital in Paris, which was weirdly open as a tourist attraction even though it still had patients, climbed what seemed like a million steps to the top of la Sacre-Coeur to see one of the most amazing views of my life, watched artists paint in Montmartre and stood outside the Moulin Rouge (if I had a spare €130 I'd have been on the inside).
Not bad for so little time eh?
My legs have never been in more pain in my life though, and my feet are definitely paying for all the walking and climbing they've been subjected to.
You never know, maybe my dress will fit me again by Friday!

It's a milestone!

2 weeks! Well, in 30 minutes it will be two weeks but I trust myself not to spoil it in the next 30 minutes.
I can't believe it's been so long since I purged, especially with all the temptation there has been recently! I am definitely proud of myself though, for the first time I think I actually want to stop for me, not for anyone else which feels good.
I know I can do this!
I've had some lovely comments from people who have been reading this blog (which I am still amazed at, didn't expect anyone to want to read it), and I honestly think they're helping me understand what I have to do and it's always great knowing you're not alone. So thank you!
Can't believe how far I've come in such little time, I miss it but I think I've lost a bit of myself to the eating disorder and want to work on getting it back.
I still haven't had my letter from the eating disorder clinic but I'm a bit worried that when I do they'll laugh me out of the clinic because I've almost sorted myself out alone. We'll see.
Not much else to say today, just wanted to give a quick update!
Hope the positivity continues!

Picture post

Just came across this picture and I thought I would share it. Wish I could see myself better!

Mission impossible

Okay so maybe I can't do this alone.
I have just eaten/ binged on an Indian takeaway that could have fed a whole family; chicken tikka, chicken tikka masala, chicken korma, sagaloo, rice and naan, followed by a massive portion of homemade trifle and can't remember the last time I wanted to do 'it' so badly.
I'm sweating, shaking, feel sick, have a weird, horrible taste in my mouth- I think going cold turkey is literally making me more ill than the bulimia.
I guess I'm proud of myself for hitting the one week milestone but at the same time I feel so weak, if I was strong I could carry on and hide it better.
I was so close to doing it that I told Jack. I'm not even 100% sure why, or what I was hoping he would say but I haven't gone through with it so maybe it's a good thing I did.
Throwing up sucks.
If I was going to have an eating disorder, why can't I have a good one? If I was anorexic, at least I'd look how I wanted! I just torture myself for no results, and although I know I'm probably never going to get any results, ever, I just can't bring myself to give it up.
It's not fair, it's MY thing, the only little thing I have that's my own and now everyone wants to meddle in.
Apart from my mum that is.
Seen Super-Mum (who, surprise surprise has a new boyfriend, we'll see how long it takes this one to start beating her), for the first time since she found out about me and she made it all about her. I don't know why I'm surprised, should have expected it would become another reason for her to drink herself into oblivion, use me as an excuse, it's what she does with everything but this time I was just hoping I would be more important than her self pity.
My 14 year old brother, Millan, has taken it hard though; he sat and cried to me, telling me he just wishes he'd noticed and have done something to help me. He remembered all the times he had called me fat in an argument and was hugging me telling me he was really sorry and never meant any of it. This was the first reaction out of everybody that knows that actually made me feel so ashamed and guilty, I love my brothers more than anything and can't believe I've made him feel like this is his fault. It's not his fault, it's not even my mum's fault, it's my big fat selves fault.
But on a more positive note I'm at Jack's families house for a few days, it's nice to disappear from all the shit from home every once in a while, I can get away! Until my doctors appointment Thursday that is, where I have to go through it all again...
Yay...